Maybe I don’t want any of this to ‘end’ as much as I just need it to change. I feel content with my life but then I also feel this weird thing happening inside my brain…what is happening to me? I have a boyfriend who loves me, I’m great in school, I have friends I enjoy but inside, I fantasize on how to burn it all down, on how best to burn me down. I haven’t been myself in so long that now I wonder, do I even exist anymore?
I know that this is something I will probably need to work on but will it ever dwindle away? It’s been years of constant nagging in my brain, how much further do I have to go? How am I supposed to find a way to want to live when I’m stuck living like this?
I don’t want to get weaker again, I can’t handle it. It creates, I want to say a monster out of me. I’ll do anything to feel anything and I am unsure of where that single want will lead me one day. I’ve fallen down a hole sometime ago and I haven’t a clue on how to get back up. Unsure if I want to get back up.
I’m living in a constant state of hell.
This thing I have is violent, it's so goddamn brutal in here.